'Ask Amy' writer promotes 'ring therapy'

Syndicated columnist offers advice for cancer patients on dealing with anxious supporters

Amy Dickinson

"Grief circles" can be a useful tool for cancer patients to cope with their disease.

According to a recent syndicated "Ask Amy" column by Amy Dickinson, the circles — otherwise known as "ring therapy" — conceptualize "the important idea that, when dealing with tough to tragic times, it is important for the person at the center of the circle [the patient]…to preserve her strength by only dealing with the person most intimately involved in her care — this might be a spouse, family member, or friend."

Other relationships, she wrote, "arrange outward in concentric rings. This is called the 'kvetching order.'"

Dickinson's column, which was in response to an elongated cry for help by a breast cancer patient who signed her plea "Not Dead in California," said that "ring therapy is mainly…to give you permission to react the way you want to during a time when you need to preserve your strength."

The patient is "not supposed to be worrying about how to be gentle and polite," she adds.

Dickinson also notes that the patient "can say anything (complain, cry, howl at the room) to those in outer rings, but those in outer rings should limit their own needs, fears, and statements and focus only on being helpful. No unsolicited advice, no raging at the injustice of it all, no demands for comfort or constant updates."

The letter-writer had explained that a close friend was "having trouble coming to terms with my diagnosis, as well as my not taking her up on her offers of help (yet)," and noted that the friend had "called a few nights ago sobbing and looking to me to help her feel better [about my long-term prospects and diagnosis], "which isn't as good as it could be, but…also not as bad as it could be."

She went on to say that she'd "rather not be calming down my friends when inside I'm losing my mind with the slow paced of health care and juggling my appointments and treatments" and, in this particular case, "cannot be the person making [the friend] feel better about my illness."

The columnist advised the letter-writer to tell members of her support group that she understands "that this is hard for you, but I can't help you through this. I've got too much on my plate" — and to encourage such friends, when they are upset, "to contact someone else in an outer ring."

Details of how I, Woody Weingarten, dealt with my wife, Nancy Fox, when she was being treated for the disease can be found in "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," a VitalityPress book I aimed at male caregivers.

It — and the Marin Man to Man website about a weekly support group I've been running since that time — includes anecdotal material about how she hadn't wanted to worry about my reactions to what was going on with her.

A 'compassionate non-judgmental forum'

Sportscaster becomes veep of support group for guys whose partners have breast cancer

Bruce Macgowan

Noted San Francisco Bay Area radio sportscaster Bruce Magowan has been elected vice chair/treasurer of Marin Man to Man.

That's my weekly support group aimed at guys whose partners have — or had — breast cancer.

Bruce, a Fairfax resident, replaces Marv Edelstein, longtime officer of the group who's left it after 23 years because he's moved to Idaho from San Rafael.

Marv was one of the four original members of Man to Man, which is unique in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Its emphasis has always been on making guys "feel less isolated, uncertain, misunderstood or afraid."

It achieves that goal by providing an easygoing, compassionate non-judgmental environment and forum "in which each member can discuss and understand the difficulties of being a prime caregiver."

I , Woody Weingarten of San Anselmo, have been the group's chair for more than two decades — and reference some material from its website in my VitalityPress book, "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," which is aimed at male caregivers.

A lot more information can be found on that site, including an article describing the group more fully, first-person stories by members, and reprints of newspaper pieces about it.

Bruce, who's covered more than 5,000 major sports events, has been a regular attendee well over a year.

The group, which is free, welcomes drop-ins at its weekly 9:30 a.m. Wednesday breakfast meetings at West End Cafe, 1131 4th Street, San Rafael, across from the Rafael Film Center.

Marin Man to Man original a 23-year regular

Weekly support group for partners of breast cancer patients losing a key member

Marv and Maria Edelstein

The Marin Man to Man weekly support group for guys whose partners have or had breast cancer will lose one of its key members in a few days.

Marv Edelstein is leaving the San Francisco Bay Area — and the state of California.

One of the four original members of Man to Man, he's been a regular for 23 years, since shortly after his wife, Maria, was diagnosed with breast cancer.

But Marv has found the local traffic and congestion more than he chooses to handle. And Maria apparently is even more bothered by the negative impact those changes have had recently.

It's not easy for them to say goodbye to the area, however.

They've lived in their San Rafael home 37 years.

Marv has been a regular in the weekly support group for 23 years and, in fact, has been vice chair and treasurer for a long time.

He's always been the epitome of the perfect member — particularly helpful to newcomers because he's been willing to be totally vulnerable, open and honest about his own ups and downs with Maria's bout with breast cancer more than two decades ago.

And her second bout earlier this year.

Marin Man to Man began when husbands of women with breast cancer in the First Position ballet support group realized they needed support themselves.

Eight current Man to Man members gathered this past Wednesday to wish Marv a fond farewell, to express their appreciation of his past contributions, and to say they hope he'll drop in again whenever he's visiting the Bay Area.

The Edelsteins intend to vacation in McCall, Idaho, then move either to Oregon or Washington to be closer to their son, who lives in Seattle.

The stories of their fighting cancer and Man to Man can be found in "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," a VitalityPress book I, Woody Weingarten, have aimed at male caregivers.

Men agree age, color and creed don't matter

Support group still aiding males whose partners have breast cancer or other major diseases

Among current Marin Man to Man regulars
shown perusing "Rollercoaster" are, from
left, John Teasley, Edward Marson,
Marv Edelstein and Gerry Bourguignon.

A 22-year-old called me several weeks ago to find out more about Marin Man to Man, the support group that I, Woody Weingarten, have been running for two decades.

His mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Man to Man, I told him, is a group of males who are coping, or who have had to cope in the past, with their partners or family members facing a life-threatening disease.

He would be our youngest drop-in, I said — but age really doesn't matter. Nor does color or creed, we've long agreed.

Still, at the high end of the age spectrum, I noted, are participants well into their 80s.

We've had members who've been regulars 22 years. We've also had men who've attended only once, taking what they required but finding no need to return (though they've all talked with me afterward).

Although we've expanded to include men whose partners have had lung cancer, and one guy who had breast cancer himself, the vast majority of participants are caregivers for breast-cancer patients.

We meet at 9:30 a.m. every Wednesday at West End Café on 4th Street in San Rafael. The only cost is coffee or breakfast — if you have any.

Want more information about the group? It can easily be obtained at our website, Marin-Man-to-Man.org.

To be sure, there's certainly no shortage of caregivers around who seek the support and advice of others who've already gone through what they're experiencing. In fact, according to last month's AARP Bulletin, there currently are 40 million caregivers in the United States — five million more than the figure I'd been quoting since it appeared only a couple of years ago in The New York Times.

My VitalityPress book, "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," also contains guidelines on how to cope with the ups and downs of diagnosis, treatment and aftermath. It's available via Amazon or your local bookstore.

'Rollercoaster' book-signing slated at fundraiser

Phil Lesh and band will headline Sept. 19 benefit barbecue in San Rafael to aid cancer care

Phil Lesh

A Marin County family-style barbecue and music festival that spotlights Grateful Dead co-founder Phil Lesh and The Terrapin Family Band will benefit cancer care.

The 75-year-old star rock 'n' roll electric bassist-vocalist had performed with the psychedelic Dead for three decades after meeting Jerry Garcia in 1961 — despite the fact that he had never played bass before joining Garcia's group (called The Warlocks before being re-dubbed). 

The event, which also will feature a silent auction and sports memorabilia, will be held from 11:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 19 at Terrapin Crossroads, the restaurant/music venue at 100 Yacht Club Drive, San Rafael, owned by Lesh and his wife, Jill.

Proceeds of the fundraiser will go to the CPMC Foundation, "to help innovate, expand and elevate the quality of cancer research and care."

Stan Cohn

Organizers are Stan Cohn of Kentfield — in celebration of his 60th birthday — and his wife, Roxanne, a breast cancer survivor who was treated at the California Pacific Medical Center, a Sutter Health affiliate in San Francisco.

Stan is a regular attendee at Marin Man to Man, the weekly support group for male caregivers that I, Woody Weingarten, have led for 20 years.

At the event, I will be selling copies of my VitalityPress book, "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer" — and signing them.

Fifty percent of the "Rollercoaster" selling price will go to CPMC Cancer Care. I also am donating signed books for the auction.

The Terrapin Family Band, the restaurant-club's house band, includes Lesh's two sons, Brian and Grahame.

Jill and Phil Lesh

Other scheduled entertainment — for which suggested donations are $60 per individual, $100 per couple, $150 per family — will be It's a Beautiful Day, an outgrowth of San Francisco's Summer of Love, and the Whitecliff Rangers, a blues and rock ensemble.

Sponsors of the event include the San Francisco Giants, Anchor Steam Beer, Double Rainbow ice cream and Neiman Marcus.

Lesh's website notes that "with the opening of Terrapin Crossroads in 2012, Phil has signaled his intent to keep playing with friends old and new for many years to come."

This is a chance to hear some of them — now.

Come hear 'Rollercoaster' author speak in store

My Copperfield's Books talk in San Rafael is at 7 tonight — please be there to support me

Woody Weingarten and Nancy Fox, with their
granddaughter in Copperfield's children's section.

Tonight's the night.

At 7 p.m. Wednesday, Aug. 12, I'll find out if I can just as easily put one word after another standing up as I do when I sit at a keyboard.

I'll be at Copperfield's Books in San Rafael, 850 4th St., to speak about my book, "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer."

I'll focus on caregiving, especially for patients with life-threatening diseases.

I'll be happy to sign copies, too.

And I'll also be talking about the support group I've been leading for 20 years, Marin Man to Man.

I'd love it if a bunch of you who read this item show up to support me.

'Rollercoaster' author requests your presence

Save the date — for free talk at Copperfield's Books in San Rafael — and help me save face

Silver-haired Woody Weingarten.

I don't embarrass easily but I can on rare occasion get rather red-faced.

Especially, I imagine, if I'd throw a party and no one came.

Ergo, I'm asking you to save a date.

And then show up.

The time is 7 p.m. The date is Wednesday, Aug. 12. The place is Copperfield's Books, 850 4th St., San Rafael, California.

It's a free event.

So you can simply appear, or you can reserve a spot on the Copperfield's site — http://www.copperfieldsbooks.com/event/woody-weingarten.

I'll be talking about being a caregiver, especially for a patient with a life-threatening disease.

Specifically, I'll be focusing on the time 20 years ago when my wife, Nancy Fox, was diagnosed with breast cancer. And how we coped — individually and together — during treatments and their aftermath.

And how male caregivers (husbands, boyfriends, fathers, sons and brothers) are typically a forgotten part of the equation but need support, too.

But, in actuality, my presentation could apply to any of the 35 million U.S. caregivers, female or male.

I, Woody Weingarten, who has led the weekly Marin Man to Man support group for two decades, also will be signing my book afterwards.

"Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer" is unique, a comprehensive memoir-chronicle by an award-winning journalist, a love story and, perhaps more importantly, a guide to research, meds and help.

Want to check out what another author thinks of my book? Just click here.

Many of you have found that friending me on Facebook or following me on LinkedIn or Twitter is comparatively easy. Showing up takes a bit more effort. But I'd appreciate you taking that road less traveled, which in this case means being there and keeping me from being embarrassed by an empty room.

You'd miss learning whether my silver hair is matched by a newfound silver tongue. 

So, please… 

Save the date and help me save face. 

Writer's letter emphasizes thriving after cancer

'Rollercoaster' author — in letter to editor — stresses life, not death, overcoming fear

Despite many substantial advances in treatments and meds, cancer still can be devastating for patients and caregivers — because of fear.

Sensationalized scare tactics from the media don't help one iota.

And that's why I, Woody Weingarten, author of "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," which is aimed at a patients as well as caregivers, recently wrote a letter to the editor of the Marin Independent Journal, the only daily newspaper in my home county.

The letter, which I hoped might help quash some cancer fears, was published this week.

Here it is, in its entirety:

TV special on cancer 

misses focus on living

Why does cancer, the subject of the recent three-part Ken Burns executive-produced PBS series, like so many other documentaries and media reports on the subject, focus on death and not life? Why are primary caregivers — especially males — forgotten or treated as if they're invisible?

My new book, "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," shows there can be light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

For both caregivers and patients.

Why am I sure? My wife had breast cancer 20 years ago, then a melanoma 11 years later. I had prostate cancer eight years ago.

Not only did we survive, we’re thriving in our mid-70s.

And I’ve been running Marin Man to Man, a men’s support group, for almost two decades. I believe every attendee would agree we all should live out a cliché: one day at a time.

How? As the old song suggests, by accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative.

Bookstore officials hail 'Rollercoaster' success

Copperfield's book-signing by 'Rollercoaster' author called 'one of best since store opened'

Woody Weingarten signs "Rollercoaster."

The title of a classic movie from 57 years ago may best sum up what I experienced last weekend:

"The Sweet Smell of Success." 

That's what I, Woody Weingarten, gleefully felt after my first book signing — at Copperfield's bookstore in San Rafael.

Jake James, assistant manager, and Alex Steinmetz, community events coordinator, agreed that my "meet-and-greet" was "one of the best since we opened this store" at the end of 2013.

It was my first-ever signing for "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer."

Happily, it drew friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends, relatives, neighbors, former co-workers, members of my Marin Man to Man support and film groups, members of my wife's cancer support and book groups — plus a sprinkling of strangers.

Happily, too, many of them bought books — three to four times as many as average meet-and-greet purchases, according to store officials.

"Rollercoaster" is aimed at caregivers. It’s a hybrid book, a memoir-chronicle, a love story, and a guide to research, meds and where to find help.

It tracks a caregiver’s bumpy yet uplifting journey from the depths of a wife’s diagnosis to the heights of their climbing the Great Wall of China. And it illustrates that most couples can successfully deal with the disease itself, “slash, poison and burn” treatments, fear, and the repercussions of it all — and that there truly can be light at the end of the tunnel.

'Rollercoaster' full of resources, asserts blogger

Zealous writer: 'Rollercoaster' can make cancer diagnosis 'a little bit easier on us all' 

M.J. Joachim

M.J. Joachim is a "very passionate" author and writer from Mesa, Arizona.

A fellow blogger, Philip Verhese Ariel, explains that her passion, in part, has been aimed at "making the world a better place…by raising awareness."

One small step toward that goal, I'm absolutely thrilled to report, occurred when she gave my new VitalityPress book, "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," a glowing review.

Below, starting with the next paragraph, are excerpts from M.J.'s piece, which was published on Feb. 3, 2015. The full review, of course, is available on her website.

Breast cancer is one of those scary, taboo subjects nobody wants to talk about, despite the fact that millions of people are and have been affected by it. 

It’s personal. Cancer always seems to be so darned personal. 

For decades we’ve danced around the big C word. 

Until now! 

How I wish this book had been around when my father and uncles died of cancer so many years ago! How I wish this book had been around over the years when I had two benign breast biopsies - one at 28, another in my mid 30’s.

Weingarten is the caregiver of his wife Nancy and her breast cancer; years later, he is also the patient with cancer. 

Seems many of us get to deal with the big C more than once in our lives, and in various ways too. 

For all the research, money raised, government programs, medicines and treatments tried, things which Weingarten fully addresses in this book, we still don’t seem to find the answers we need. 

This book doesn’t offer any false hope. Weingarten describes in scrupulous detail the evolution of cancer meds and treatments since the 70’s. It’s an important section in the book, and if I ever do get cancer, you can bet I’ll never opt to take tamoxifen, partly because of what I learned in this book.

All the big C talk aside, Rollercoaster is a love story about a man and a woman dealing with her diagnosis, treatment and side effects (those little things no one really wants to talk about like loss of sex drive, anger and anxiety, relationship challenges, an entire myriad of fears ranging from how to deal with hair loss to night sweats and coping with nightmares, even eating to deal with stress). 

Twenty years later Woody & Nancy are still happily married survivors of the big C that changed and redefined their lives forever. 

“Marin-Man-to-Man is a drop-in, dues-free support group open to any male whose partner has or has had, breast cancer (or another life-threatening disease).” Much of this book makes reference to this excellent resource and support group for male caregivers living in the San Francisco Bay Area, a group Woody himself attends. 

Closing chapters are full of valuable resources and books for both caregivers and cancer sufferers alike. 

If you haven’t personally been touched by cancer yet, you’re lucky. I strongly recommend this book to everyone, because this book has the ability to make the dreaded big C diagnosis a little bit easier on us all.

Thanks so much for taking time to share your story, Woody. I trust and hope many people will be extremely fortunate to read Rollercoaster and benefit from you and your wife’s experience with breast cancer.

Weekly boosts breast cancer caregiving book

San Francisco paper bolsters 'Rollercoaster,' male caregiver's guide to light at tunnel's end

Woody and Nancy now

Abracadabra!

Like welcome magic, the first full-length newspaper feature about “Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner’s breast cancer” has appeared.

The print version was published Jan. 10, 2015. 

An online edition followed.

Editors put an intriguing headline on the piece: A memoir about cancer from the other side of the bed.

Here's the story, reprinted by permission in its entirety:

by liz harris, staff writer

j. the Jewish news weekly of Northern California

Their love story is sweet and also remarkable: Woody Weingarten and Nancy Fox met as teenagers in New York and vowed eternal love. They dated for a while and then, questioning their commitment, cut it off and completely lost touch.

Decades later, after a chance meeting in Mill Valley, their love rekindled. At midlife, they became husband and wife.

Seven years into their marriage, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Life became a wild ride.

In “Rollercoaster,” a book 20 years in the making, Weingarten offers an unblinking look at how breast cancer affected him and Fox from diagnosis to the present day. Its primary focus is to help male caregivers through the process, thus the subtitle: “How a man can survive his partner’s breast cancer.”

“Rollercoaster” is also meant to help others navigate the emotional and physical ups and downs, as well as the mountains of confusing medical studies and different treatment options, that come with the disease.

Today life is good, Weingarten declares during an interview in the couple’s sun-drenched hilltop home in San Anselmo. With Fox cancer free for many years, they travel, enjoy a busy social life and pursue lifelong passions. Weingarten, 77, who retired in 2007 after 24 years as managing editor of J. (formerly the Jewish Bulletin), still writes for local newspapers and is working on a new book. Fox, 75, a pianist whose white baby grand piano is the focal point of their living room, still performs at local retirement homes, senior centers and JCCs.

Weingarten acknowledges that “Rollercoaster” isn’t exactly an easy read, but he believes it is a valuable one.

“My major aim is to help people — men whose partners have any life-threatening disease,” he says. “What you go through. What you can expect.”

He utilized his journalism skills to craft a love story/“memoir-chronicle” and comprehensive resource for anyone affected by breast cancer, with current, meticulously researched information on medications, scientific studies and helpful resources.

He also includes a short list of books written for partners of breast cancer patients. “In the last 15 years there have been 15 books published by [and for] men,” he says, while noting that “most of them are way out of date, not well written.”

Weingarten’s book is “positive,” he says. “There’s light at the end of the tunnel.” It also is sprinkled with humor. In fact, asked for the most important piece of advice he can give

Marin Man to Man gives vulnerable guys a boost

Support group for male breast cancer caregivers still going strong after two decades

Marin Man to Man is a weekly support group I've been running for almost 20 years.

It's for men whose partners have or had breast cancer or some other life-threatening disease.

I, Woody Weingarten, have found the group can keep guys feeling healthy — or give them a crucial boost when the walls of their lives seem to be caving in.

A section of my new VintagePress book, "Rollercoaster: How a man can survive his partner's breast cancer," touches on what the group does and can do.

It notes, for instance, that:

Support group meets over breakfast.
Frankie Frost/Marin IJ photo.

We can complement Internet info, factoids and data, often differentiating between truth and fiction.

We can de-code what physicians and other healers say — and don’t say.

We can increase understanding offered by relatives, friends and co-workers because we frequently empathize when they can’t.

We can — without embarrassment — be warm and friendly, direct and anecdotal, and add an intimacy factor because we’re human beings and not a book, journal, chat-room or blog.

We can increase a newbie’s stockpile of contacts and where-do-you-find-its because we’ve been there.

Best of all, we can be ultra-illuminating because we can share what’s worked for us and what hasn’t.

For two decades Marin Man to Man has attracted fellows habitually willing to be candid about themselves and their partners,

Marin County non-profit seeking new leader

Breast cancer prevention group in Northern California searching for a new executive director

Zero Breast Cancer, a community-based Northern California non-profit, needs an experienced executive director.

Janice Barlow

The new director, who will replace Janice Barlow, must be prepared "to drive the direction and expansion of breast cancer prevention research, advocacy and educational programs in the San Francisco Bay Area and beyond."

How far beyond?

Well, that most likely depends on the individual's imagination — and skills.

ZBC was founded in 1995 as Marin Breast Cancer Watch by a small group of women with invasive breast cancer who wanted to find out why Marin County and the Bay Area had a particularly high incidence of the disease.

In 2000 it gave out its first annual Honor Thy Healer awards, recognizing both individuals and organizations.

I, Woody Weingarten, author of "Rollercoaster: How a man survive his partner's breast cancer," have been the only person to earn the honor twice — once for being the caregiver for my wife, Nancy Fox, and later along with Marv Edelstein and Dan Goltz as longtime members of our weekly support group, Marin Man to Man.

Marin Breast Cancer Watch became Zero Breast Cancer in 2006, with a "focus on identifying environmental factors and the role they play in breast cancer."

The San Rafael-based organization collaborates "with local and national scientists on studies designed to identify the causes of breast cancer and breast cancer recurrence."

It also sponsors the annual Dipsea Hike, a noncompetitive fundraiser that follows a six-mile loop beginning and ending at the Dipsea steps.

Ms. Barlow is stepping down from the executive director's position after more than 10 years in the post.

More information about ZBC is available at www.zerobreastcancer.org or (415) 507-1949.